So thanks to those who care, I'm fine. I've been depressed all year due to an over amount of drama in life I can do nothing about. Right now I find myself returning to old ways and being pretty stupid. I just know that soon with my fathers health I'll have to be an adult finally and buckle down to taking care of my parents because of poor health and I want to do as many stupid things as possible. I'm bloody scared out of my mind but I have to grow up sometime.



Then there is the thorn in my whole families side for the last 6 months. Threats and lies and plain evilness. I girl so set on taking away the best thing in our lives. Maybe I should said 2 girls set on taking away 2 of the best things. Oh ex wives and my foolish brother. I'm just tired of spending every day hearing of some new problem and hearing chances of never seeing either of my nephews again. Lord knows they are the only 2 guys I love and have ever loved.

You know the therapist had the audacity to tell me they and my brothers divorce were really none of my business and that I shouldn't put myself in it. What the bloody hell! 1st the crazy parked out in front of my house, my house, for like 4 hours and then brought the cops and then called my entire family including me to ask where my brother was. I don't freaking know, he's at work you crack head! So how is it none of my business? How is, never seeing my nephew ever again, none of my business? I only watch movies with him 4 days a week and bath him and feed him and teach him about Elvis. I only love him so much that when he's not around I worry about him night and day and cry when he tells me stories about how much he hates his moms new boyfriend or whatever. Some ugly sucker.



My heart is really just sad right now. I've been going around looking for some form of comfort, something to make me happy for a few hours. It's not working. The party always ends when the sun comes up and eventually I have to go home. Go home to a father that can barely walk and a brother just full of sorrow and so willing to share it with us. He really loved her and she really hates him. That's how it goes. There's a few guys out there that hate me and wish they never meet me. Atleast I think so? I don't know. There's more then a few I know I hate, but not really. To much going on to worry about what some douchebag did this one time.



The only thing that really makes me happy is working on pictures. Taking them, editing them, posting them up. Trying to get more creative with them. I've been making clothes and sets and whatever, just fully immersing myself into my work. I want to do more with it. I want to do more gallery shows but I'm not very good at booking them. I want to travel to locations different then anything I've seen. This is all I want to do. Just take pitures and watch Doctor Who on the Tv and dream of naked Ewan McGregor and read of times that once were. It's easy. I'm not so hard to please, although having somebody toe cuddle with when things suck woulod be nice, but hey, I'm not reaching for the moon. I just want to live my life, while I can and happily. Without the mess.



And my finally thought for the day: I spend all my time at home, working on my vintage online store, editing pictures and hanging with my nephew. I go out 1 night a week maybe, sometimes one night ever other week. I write, I eat and I watch Doctor Who. I'm also a Sunday School teacher, so go figure there and I'm very devoted to watching my class and trying to teach them not only bible stories, but reading and numbers and potty training because these kids need alot of love and learning. Trust me alot. 2 are ADD Bipolar and go through fits of rage so intense I've been scratched, bite and kicked because I asked if he was done coloring. Another is put down by his parents and treated poorly because he looks like his dad, the ex. He does all the chores and barley has time for homework at which he gets called dumb for having school trouble. My point is, my life is busy and sometimes full of drama. Sad stuff but not the worse. I just get down because I'm flipping human and if I want to go out those few times a month and get plastered then I will and if you have a problem with that, then F U. If you're going to judge me on that or use the dumb things I've said and done while drunk against me or remind me of my mistakes, then F U in your saggy butt. And if I ever start crying in front of you, you have 2 choices. Walk away and never talk to me again or pat me on the back and tell me it's all okay.

So I've been feeling worse and worse the past few months and my family is going through a major crisis as well as me going through a break up with my first boyfriend. Yeah I said first and yes, I am old. All this caused me to recently check into a behavior health center of my own free will because I was in the midst of a nervous break down and having thoughts of suicide.

I've never slept well so these meds were prescribed to me a year ago but I never took them on a regular basis till I started my relationship. He had to work and I wanted to be closer to his schedule and go to be earlier as not to bother him. Still I didn't take them but only on Thursday when he had to work but even then he would tell me things I did and said that I didn't remember.

Time went by and I stopped putting up things for sale in my V Vintage store and soon I was taking as many pictures. I mean I made like no money for the last 4 months of 2010. V Vintage died so fast and BobbySoxer was following.

Around the time my brothers wife left him and the custody battle begin my relationship started to end. I was so stressed and started relying on these pills more often for sleep, Then within the last 2 months I was taking them every night. I couldn't edit a single picture. I would sit and stare at the computer. I couldn't even play a game like I did before just to pass time for fun between edits. I couldn't do anything. I was a cranky, nervous wreck and anything anybody said hurt my feelings.





Within the last 2 weeks I hadn't missed a pill and my depression sunk deeper. I cut myself for the first time in 4 years. I also don't remember much of those 2 weeks. I guess I knew something was wrong when I was getting yield at one night but at the time and still now I didn't know why because I couldn't remember what I had said before the yelling started or even listen to the person yelling at me. I really don't know what the hell happened! When I woke up 3 days later after taking 3 of those pills I checked myself in.

This is the second time I have come to realize the medication I'm taking is causing problems. My main things that were bothering me were, being really itchy and having my mum buy different shampoo, being more anxiety ridden, forgetting all sorts of things I said and have a case of depression that worsened by the week.

Here's what I found out about it. Also there are suicide reference but I didn't add them. Note I haven't taking the pills in 4 days and I finished editing 2 sets of pics and have been much more pleasant so I think I made the right chose. The doctor should have known better because of my manic depression not to subscribe this. there's a strong warning against it.






You will probably become very sleepy soon after you take zolpidem and will remain sleepy for some time after you take the medication. Plan to go to bed right after you take zolpidem and to stay in bed for 7-8 hours. Do not take zolpidem if you will be unable to remain asleep for 7-8 hours after taking the medication. If you get up too soon after taking zolpidem, you may experience memory problems



What side effects can this medication cause?

Zolpidem may cause side effects. Tell your doctor if any of these symptoms are severe or do not go away:

*

drowsiness = Something that seems logical
*

weakness = I guess that could go with drowsy
*

headache = I have horrid migraines and I wonder if this made them worse.
*

dizziness = I'd run into walls trying to go to the bathroom, it was trippy
*

'drugged feeling' = again a trip
*

unsteady walking = hitting walls?
*

difficulty keeping balance =boyfriend at the time told me I feel over on a bookshelf or something? I don't recall this. I guess that's the forgetfulness part.
*

constipation = ?
*

diarrhea = Totally almost crapped my pants a few times. Haha
*

gas = Blamed it on the boyfriend
*

heartburn = ??
*

stomach pain or tenderness = I have IBS so I don't know
*

changes in appetite = ???
*

uncontrollable shaking of a part of the body = Nope but creepy
*

burning or tingling in the hands, arms, feet, or legs = No
*

unusual dreams = Yes! I'm not even going to get into this lesbian photoshoot dream I had where I was being forced to take dirty pics.
*

dry mouth or throat =?
*

ringing, pain, or itching in the ears = ?
*

eye redness =?
*

muscle aches or cramps = IDK
*

joint, back, or neck pain= I think it's just the computer
*

heavy menstrual bleeding = Eww





Some side effects can be serious. If you experience any of the following symptoms, call your doctor immediately:

*

rash = no
*

hives = I wish I had a hive. The lead singer that is. Haha
*






itching = Yes, I've been itchy and blamed the shampoo.
*

swelling of the eyes, face, lips, tongue, or throat = Fat tongue? Haha
*

feeling that the throat is closing = nope
*

difficulty breathing or swallowing = nah
*

hoarseness = no
*

shortness of breath = again no
*

nausea = Always
*

vomiting = I blame the hangovers
*

pounding heartbeat = Boobies!
*

chest pain = Boobies!
*

blurred vision or other vision problems = Oh goodness this was funny because try editing pics when you're on this stuff.

Zolpidem may cause other side effects. Call your doctor if you have any unusual problems while you are taking this medication.








Abnormal Thinking and Behavioral Changes

A variety of abnormal thinking and behavior changes have been reported to occur in association with the use of sedative/hypnotics. Some of these changes may be characterized by decreased inhibition (e.g., aggressiveness and extroversion that seemed out of character), similar to effects produced by alcohol and other CNS depressants. Visual and auditory hallucinations have been reported as well as behavioral changes such as bizarre behavior, agitation and depersonalization. In controlled trials, < style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">hallucinations. In a clinical trial, 7.4% of pediatric patients with insomnia associated with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), who received Zolpidem reported hallucinations [see Use in Specific Populations (8.4)].

Complex behaviors such as “sleep-driving” (i.e., driving while not fully awake after ingestion of a sedative-hypnotic, with amnesia for the event) have been reported with sedative-hypnotics, including Zolpidem. These events can occur in sedative-hypnotic-naive as well as in sedative-hypnotic-experienced persons. Although behaviors such as “sleep-driving” may occur with Zolpidem tartrate tablets alone at therapeutic doses, the use of alcohol and other CNS depressants with Zolpidem tartrate tablets appears to increase the risk of such behaviors, as does the use of Zolpidem tartrate tablets at doses exceeding the maximum recommended dose. Due to the risk to the patient and the community, discontinuation of Zolpidem tartrate tablets should be strongly considered for patients who report a “sleep-driving” episode. Other complex behaviors (e.g., preparing and eating food, making phone calls, or having sex) have been reported in patients who are not fully awake after taking a sedative-hypnotic. As with “sleep-driving”, patients usually do not remember these events. Amnesia, anxiety and other neuro-psychiatric symptoms may occur unpredictably.

In primarily depressed patients, worsening of depression, including suicidal thoughts and actions (including completed suicides), has been reported in association with the use of sedative/hypnotics.

The emergence of any new behavioral sign or symptom of concern requires careful and immediate evaluation.

The longer and longer we wait. The more I'm afraid we dissipate. I meant every word I said, despite the ideas you have in your head. You mean more to me then any before. I suppose that's why my insanity caused such an uproar. I'm jealous, I'm angry, I'm sad and there's nothing I can do to stop you from being mad. I'm a fool, immature and naive, but you got to believe I'm not one to decisive. I'm not one to lie or cheat. There's no need with all this passion and heat. I'm not like those others before. Who cold and mean, caused such an uproar. This is why I am so obsessed. You're stuck thinking of the rest. And now here am I too because all I ever thought about was you. I'm one of hundred here in this pack of those who lay with you in your sack. How does one even know you care when there are so many to compare. Alas I say this isn't fair as you run into you lair. A place where so many other have dared. Enter,embraced and sweetly shared. Casanova may have been quiet proud. Such foolish thoughts, my mind does cloud. I'm jealous, I'm angry, I'm sad and there's nothing I can do to bring back what we had. If there was even an ounce there, you won't tell me, alas again this isn't fair. the longer and longer we wait. The more I'm afraid we dissipate. go on and be no more and then every not I cry on on the floor. I'm not ready to let you go. My heart internally bleeds for you so. I have forgotten all that your past in only hope I would be your last. Believe me this was no easy task and I could not hide it behind a different mask. I just wanted you to make love to me. With sweet kind words so I could see. To be special to you is my only thought. Compliments and kisses is all I sought. With out this I don't know if you truly care. And once more Alas I say this isn't fair.

New year blah

The new year has begun and so it is time to make the new years resolution. Many people make them and break them and take them for granted. Nobody really takes them too seriously. My past ones barley set in reality and focused more on dreams and wishes. This year though I want to make one that is possible to fulfill and one that ultimately must be done.

I wish to be a better person. A lady in all the sense. The past five years of incidents have turned me hard and brazen. things I have never wished to be. I speak too frankly and not in the sense of cursing and disturbing saying but in the sense of hiding nothing and being blunt.

It's an innocent way I suppose and I never mean harm, but I guess secrets truly aren't safe with me. why can I never learn to keep my mouth shut? I often end up feeling so guilty afterward you'd think I'd stop.

Now though if I don't stop then somebody may just walk away. I couldn't handle being alone because I couldn't stay quiet. I want to be happy, but mostly I want to deserve to be happy. I don't deserve right now but gosh darn-it I'm trying so hard. If I blow this I swear I'll hate myself even more. If that's even possible.